Bread. Seriously. When I became diabetic all the cakes, cookies, pies, and candy went to the wayside. But bread is the one thing I still crave.

Wow, I just made sort of a crazy and big decision. I'm going to make a demo to become a voice over talent.

Last night, for fun and to learn more about something that interests me, I took an adult education class at the local community college. These are classes anyone can teach and you don't get credit for them. It was a one night two hour class. The teacher was a woman who who used to do radio talk show programs in Sacramento and is now doing that in Seattle. She is also a voice actress. She has been the voice for several products in national ad campaigns.

In two hours she described what voice over work is, what it means, how to do it from home, the equipment you need, unions, how to market yourself, how to go about getting a demo tape of your voice made, etc. Of course, all the information was rather general as there was only two hours. Part of the class, the best part, was reading scripts. The students worked in groups to make commercials and we heard ourselves recorded. She completed an evaluation of each student and e-mailed it that night.

To me, it was pretty cool. I got the idea of voice over work from friends who want to do it. But I found out that you can do it from home for only about 600 dollars of equipment. You e-mail your voice across the world. I could do this and spend time with Nathaniel! I dabbled in acting a long time ago, which was fun, and this feels a little bit like that. In class the instructor told me that I have a very "youthful" voice and that she could see me doing voice overs for children's things. She said there's a definite market and niche for my voice related to that stuff. Also, I never realized until last night how many opportunities are out there for voice actors -- not just TV and radio, but video games, the voices you hear on pre-recorded flight information at airports, audio books, internet, people trying to sell you stuff while you're on hold on the telephone, the recorded greetings on company phone messages, the voices of toys that talk to children...the list is endless.

OK, so today I get the e-mail and she said a lot of nice stuff about my voice and said that she would be interested in marketing my voice. There was a link to a website for an invitation only package to create a demo tape. It includes a local one day class, personal coaching, studio time to create a demo tape, they pick out scripts for you, they make the demo tape for you, they give you CD's on how to market your tape, there's a two hour call to discuss how to market yourself, there's a 3 year membership to their website so that your demo can be accessed from their site, there's a manual for total beginners on how to run the computer software required for recording your voice and sending it out, there's a list of contacts to start marketing yourself, and more but I've already forgotten. The catch is that it's 3800 dollars. It's enough to make you lose your breath, but when I checked out their cheaper package deals, this one was actually the best price because the other ones required flying to Vermont to make the demo. In class she said the average demo price is 3000-5000 dollars. In class she said it's also an initial cost because if you get jobs, you can complle your best work for future demo tapes.

I called my sister and my mother to ask if I was totally crazy for even considering it. They said how bad would I miss the money and how much enjoyment would I get out of it. I actually have the money. I will have all my debts paid off by then and I will have the money cash by the time the class takes place in a few months. I might actually learn a new skill that could make money. The question I keep asking myself is, "How much will I regret it if I don't do it? Can I live with never knowing if I should have tried?" I think the money is worth taking a chance knowing full well that I may never get a voice over job or that I may never be wildly successful at it. I think success depends on how motivated you are. I think if I keep going and don't give up, I could actually do this at least part-time.

I spoke to the instructor on the phone today. She asked if voice overs work was something I had wanted for a while or not. I said it's actually a relatively new interest that I'm exploring. I suggested the part-time idea because she had mentioned it in c\ass. I told her I have a full-time job with medical benefits (and I'm sure she could hear Nathaniel yelling in the background). I said I'd keep my job and do voice overs on the side to see how it goes. If I make it, I can quit the job I hate. If I can't support myself on it, at least I'll have something on the side that makes money and that I can look forward to at the end of my hated work day. She said she thought that was a very wise decision and also very possible and workable.

So I've called her back and said I want to be included in the invitation only class. I'm wondering if I'm crazy. Actually taking a step to do something is very sobering compared to the wild idealistic flights of fancy that you go through just hoping and dreaming about it. However, if I don't try, I'll never ever know and I will always wonder. I see this is as my chance to branch out, whether or not it pans out in the future.

The friends whose idea it was to be voice actors are miserable. They are sitting in very comfortable paying jobs that they despise. They curse every morning they wake up. They WANT so badly to make a change into voice acting. They talk about it. They dream about it. They never make a move toward making it happen. I love the concept of my job. I love the meaning my job has, but I am sick and tired of the daily grind of my job. I am doing what it takes to make environmental protection happen. In most cases I'm finding that it has nothing to do with environmental protection. It's just negotiating with money about how badly you'll allow them to harm the environment because my department doesn't have the authority to say "no." It's frustrating and fruitless. I hate all the responsibility dumped on me with no training and little guidance. I don't have the experience or the skills to make the decisions I'm being told to make, and my ass is on the line as well as the Department's. We're often sued for some thing or another. I'm dreading the day I'm in the centre of a lawsuit. I'm currently being gently reprimanded because an ex-commissioner's consulting project on an agricultural DITCH has not taken precedence over my actually important and time sensitive work regarding sucking water out of the rivers and killing threatened species. I feel new and clueless every day no longer how long I've been there. My mentor left to another job in the Department because she said she felt like that every day after 10 years on the job. I've just about had it. I show up to work only because I still care about the environment, but moreso because I have a baby to support. I want to find another method of supporting my child. If nothing else, maybe voice overs could lead to a college savings for my son in the future. LIke I said, I have to TRY.

I'm not harboring hopes of becoming the voice of a national ad campaign (and, in fact, I don't have the voice for that kind of thing. The key to success is figuring out what markets want your type of voice and target those). I'm not hoping to become successful or rich. I just want to explore something that is compelling to me. I just hope I can justify the money to myself later :-)

 So now I'm all annoyed and sick to my stomach. I'll talk about Nathaniel to calm down.

I'm way overemotional. His grandpa took him for a walk this morning. He told me they were going to the high school so that he could play on the playground. I sat in the car warming it up before I went to work and watched them walk away down the street, hand in hand. I started crying. I'm not even sure why. I miss him. He's such a big boy. He walks down the street in his baseball hat, white t-shirt, and little boy shorts. He talks the whole way. Yet he's such a baby. He's still so little and needs protection.

Last night Nathaniel came home after dark because his grandparents took him to a Buddhist monastary. Trung and I took him for a walk. Trung ran into the house to get a long-sleeved shirt for me so I wouldn't be cold and we slowly started walking. Nath babbled away in baby language mixed with English. I finally got the gist of his talk and was floored. It made me laugh. He was very seriously lecturing me in his baby voice about how cars "go" in the street and not him and not Mommy. People don't go in the street  -- cars do. I gave him that lecture a couple days ago when he kept trying to throw his ball into the street. He held Trung's hand and my hand as he walked. He pointed out the moon to me. He notices the sky every night. We taught him how to be still and let cats come to you to pet them. Sometimes he wanted to run ahead, but he always stopped at each street and reached up so we would take his hand. He rode on his Daddy's shoulders on the way home and giggled the whole way. Anything on the sidewalk that looked darker in moonlight was labeled, "Yucky." Everytime the moon disappeared behind a tree or roof he'd look surprised and then say, "Moon go bye-bye!" 

He likes his Once Upon a Potty book. He brings it to me and flips through the pages to look at the pictures. I describe what the pictures show and what the text is talking about. One of the first pages shows a naked little boy and the text says, "This is Joshua. Joshua is a little boy." I named the boy's body parts. I was really suprised and pleased that he pointed and said, "Pee pee!" Then he pointed to himself and said, "Pee pee!" He looked at a picture and recognized that it symbolically represented some part of himself! I showed him how the boy could do pee pee and poo poo in the potty and what a good thing that was. He calls pee pee and poo poo "yucky." No doubt he picked that up from Trung's parents and Linh. 

Again, the other day he astounded me. We were driving to where my parents used to live to see fireworks. When he saw the water tower he delightedly squealed, "Mamaw!!" My heart sunk. His grandmother, grandfather, one of his aunties, and all the animals moved away about 2000 miles a month ago. Did he think he was going to go to Gamaw's house? I carefully reminded him of the very long drive we went on with Gamaw and the dogs. Then he smiled and said, "Gamaw, bye-bye!" I smiled and agreed. I was relieved that he remembered. Then he said, "Auntie Amy, bye-bye!" He continued to name all the dogs and say bye-bye. Every since then, he wakes up in the morning, stretches out across my tummy on his back, stares at the ceiling, and names them all in a row followed with "bye-bye." I agree that they are gone, but I talk about them and tell him that they love him. The other day I put together a photo book of my family and the dogs for him. He was sooooooo excited! He helped me by holding the book flat while I slipped the photos under plastic. Then he paged through and pointed at everyone and named them. Then he ran to show Trung's mother his new book. He ate breakfast and paged through his little book. He carried it with him all day long. Every time he sees his little book he exclaims over it, grabs it, pages through to look at the photos, names everyone, and talks about what he sees in the pics. I still need to get pics of my dad and the horses, though. 

He's such a sweet boy. Usually we take off our shoes as soon as we walk in the door. I've been having pain when I do that, so I walked through the house to dump my stuff off in my room. Then I could sit down and take off my shoes. Nathaniel was flabbergasted. He pointed at me and yelled, "Shoes! Shoes!" I laughed at his shocked reaction. He grined at me, but the minute both shoes were off, he picked them up, and ran them into the hallway and threw them on top of the pile of shoes. Then he picked up one of my shoes and threw it directly on top of the other one. He nodded in satisfaction and that was that.

The other day it was really hot. I was in the kitchen working on my laptop. He came in and handed my bottle of water to me. I said, "Oh, do you want some water?" I opened the bottle thinking he wanted to drink from it. However, he said, "Water," put his finger on my mouth and pushed the bottle up to my face. He randomly fetched my bottle of water and told me to drink on a hot day ^-^

Another cute thing he does is to feed me. It's funny because I try to feed him and he's trying to feed me so we're sitting there feeding each other :-D When I come home cranky from work he nods sagely, runs out of the room, and comes back in to feed his favourite snack to me. He also blows kisses to me when I go to work in the morning. 

I've got to end here. The smell of some sort of lotion is going to make me puke. I'm going to go fix lunch and eat. If it's not gone by then, I'm taking all my stuff and going home to work.

Last post for the day. I'm trying to end on a happy note, damn it. 

This morning I tripped over one of Trung's shoes. I felt like my toe was half broken and I cussed a blue streak before sitting down to check out the damage. Heh. I suppose if I was really hurt I would have collapsed before cussing about it :-D 

It was then that I noticed my darling boy standing there witnessing it all. His brow was furrowed and he looked like he was about to cry. Through teeth gritted in pain I explained that I tripped on Daddy's shoe and that it hurt a lot. He knelt down to look at my foot. I pushed my lower lip out and petulantly said, "My OTHER foot." He got up and went to look at my ouchie toe. 

Then he stood up, picked up the offending shoe and said, "Daddy?" I replied, "Yes, I tripped on DADDY'S shoe and hurt my foot." 

I was still scowling as I watched him walk the shoe over to the shoe pile against the wall and set Trung's big old shoe on top of the others. Then he went and picked up Trung's OTHER shoe and put it away as well. He cleared a way so that no one would trip on any more shoes. 

I was ashamed of myself at that point. My 22 month old son was teaching me proper behavior. I should have modeled that for him. I thanked him for his help. I'm lucky to have such a sweet and caring boy.

 When I started this account I was planning on writing about various maunderings of my mind without having to anchor them to daily life or explain the background. That hasn't happened so far and is not going to happen now. I hadn't planned on writing about Nathaniel so much, but here he is again.

I love music, but when it comes to participating I feel a bit like a musical cripple. I can't read music. I can't play a single instrument. I can only sing. And I'm not great at that either. But who cares? I LOVE MUSIC. Nobody said you have to be Mozart to enjoy music. If somebody did say that, I would tell that somebody to go to hell. When I was in community college I took a voice class and auditioned for choir. I ended up in concert choir and a small chamber ensemble. My course of study was science, but music is what kept me sane and fed my soul. Those are some of the best memories of my life. I learned to read music somewhat (or become familiar with the marks). I worked extra hard at it because I wasn't a music major. I couldn't look at the music and sing it, like everyone else. I had to hear it played first. I had to hear my part sung. I could memorize it in about 3 listenings. Like I said, I wasn't a great singer. My "gift" in singing was that my voice made all the other diva singer's voices blend together instead of stick out like sharp shards of dissonance. My voice alone is not outstanding. But that was something and I participated in music in this small way. 

I graduated from that college and went on to university. I tried to do choir for one semester, but that university has a music conservatory where students have to audition to be accepted into the music program. It's a rigorous program. That being said, I got in that university for science, another popular major there. Once I was in, I signed up for choir. I think I got in based on the reputation of my choir instructor. Also, there was one person in that class with whom I'd sung with previously. Anyway, I stopped that after one semester. Singing lost its joy for me there. The students were all music majors and were very snobby and elitest about their abilities (and my lack). They were on a professinal track in music and I couldn't even read music! They could read music like they were reading a book! 

Some years after I graduated from university I joined a church choir. I didn't go to church, but I ran into a girl I knew in choir and she said they were desperate for singers. That was a lovely experience, but also frustrating. If I don't hear my part sung a few times, I have trouble memorizing it. I was having trouble following some of the sheet music after so many intervening years. Also, to my amazement, I wasn't a first soprano anymore. I was really having trouble hitting some of the high notes. (Mozart -- enough said!) I should have asked to be "demoted" to second soprano, but they were in a hurry to learn the music in time for the presentation of it at Easter. They kept telling me to have more confidence and to sing out. But I don't think it's a lack of confidence. I've always had a quiet voice and I just can't sing loud enough to fill a room much less reach the back of an auditorium. Maybe I lack proper breath control. (When I was in college I dared a friend to audition for a play. He double dared me saying he'd only do it if I did. I took him up on it. He worked for the theater department and so we were given access to the theater stage. That's when I found out my voice doesn't reach beyond the first few rows of the audience. I practiced and practiced, even through Christmas break. I practiced "All I Ask of You" from Phantom of the Opera until I felt like my house would shake down from how loud my voice was. I think even the neighbors across the street could hear me even though I'd go hide in the almond orchard behind the farm and practice. Anyway, that was two years of vocal training up to that point and then WEEKS of practice on ONE song. We swept away the audition together. My choir teacher was a judge and he said to me, "I didn't  know you had that in you." I replied, "Neither did I." Other than that one time in my life, I have never been able to sing out.)

One of the church choir people told me that he was in the Stockton Chorale and that I should audition as well. I never did. The best singers in the city audition for that choir. Who am I? I can't even read music. I couldn't keep up at university. I could barely keep up in a church choir. So I quit participating in music. 

However, I can't stay away from music :-) I go to the choir concerts held by my college and university. I couldn't afford it before I had a job, but now I will start going to the symphony concerts as well. I sing to Nathaniel all the time. I made a song for Nathaniel -- just for the two of us. Of course, I only know it in my head. I can't write it out into sheet music. I listen to the radio and always sing along. Nathaniel sings, too! Trung's mother plays Buddhist chanting tapes 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Nathaniel sings along with the  chanting tapes as she does her thing in front of the family altar every morning. He likes to beat on drums and his xylophone. He's especially fascinated with noise -- drums. He turns everything he sees into drumsticks and beats things around the house to hear the different noises they make. I've always sung to him. When we listen to music, even when he was newborn, I tap the rythm of the music on his body. He likes to dance, which is adorable to see. I can't dance. Trung says he can't dance. I've never seen him try. So, N. has no example to copy for dancing. He does his own little freestyle wiggle :-) I dance around with him, looking like a total fool because I can't dance. But N. doesn't care and we have fun. When he was a little baby and even now that he's almost 2 years old, I hold him and dance around to music. I jog in place and swoop him around and glide side to side...I used to do deep knee bends with him until he became so heavy I couldn't do that, hold him, and manage to stand up again! He LOVES it. He calls out with laughter and squeals. Oh, and he sings with me!! It cracks me up!! I remember one day in particular where he wanted a stroller walk. I started singing to him as I changed his diaper before our walk. I always make up random tunes...whatever comes skirling out of my head comes out of my mouth. He started echoing what I sung. I'd sing, "La da da!" He'd sing the same note on the last "da." He'd copy the last note of each phrase I sung. I loaded him into the stroller and packed him down in blankets because it was cold and getting dark and wheeled him outside. I walked him back and forth and up and down for the longest time just singing, singing, singing. He kept on singing with me. It was sooooooooo cute. 

I want to enroll him in some baby music classes. They are not for teaching music, but just for exposing baby to music and helping them to have fun and have a positive experience associated with music. They also get to socialize with other children. He's an only child surrounded by adults. However, I am having a hard time with that. All the classes I've found occur during the day. I work during the day. (Same problem for swimming classes. I'm going to have to get up hella early to be at work by 6 AM, take a very long lunch to bring him to his swimming class, assuming I can get him in since they are in such high demand, and go back to work and work late to fit it in.)

ANYWAY. I wasn't going to write all this. I was going to write a short excerpt (ha!) about taking him to a choir concert!! On May 7my college was having their Festival of Choirs concert. They give one in the Spring and one for Christmas. I wanted to bring Nathaniel so he can learn to appreciate music. Trung was against it and said what the hell was I thinking expecting a baby to sit quietly for 2 hours. I admitted that I was nervous about it, too, but I want him to love music and if I wait so long that he can behave perfectly in public he'll be an adult and I will have missed my opportunity!! Besides, when I had piano lessons (one semester) in college the only thing I remember my teacher saying was to bring children to concerts to help them learn to love music. People might argue that children only fall asleep and miss it anyway, but her answer was, "What a lovely way to drift into sleep." I never forgot that. So I loaded up his baby bag with a change of clothes, snacks, and toys. I was nervous, but I was determined. 

The first time I tried to bring him to a choir concert it was for Christmas and he ws 5 months old. The noise of the audience scared him a little bit. Trung held him and wouldn't let me hold him. He startled at the applause and looked at me with a stricken look. I made a big deal of smiling, laughing, letting him see me clap with the audience, acted super happy, and I took his little hands and helped him clap, too. Smiles flitted across his face and he settled down with no more fright. If Mommy was so happy, it had to be SOMETHING good. He got so comfortable that he started to babble a little bit. And let me tell you, he was GENTLY cooing. He wasn't yelling, he wasn't screaming. He wasn't at all disruptive. The music drowned him out and there were other kids and babies you could hear all over and throughout the church. But Trung freaked out like the kid was making a scene because he was afraid the kid would get louder and whisked him away outside. I was SOOOOOOOOOO disappointed. He barely heard a song or two. I didn't get to hold him, rock him to the music, tap the rythms on his body, or even sing to him (as they were encouraging audience participation on old traditional favourites). I wouldn't leave and let Trung stand outside in the cold for the rest of the concert. I was enraptured by a harp solo, but after it was over I was sad because N. missed something so lovely and so rare. 

SO THIS TIME HE WAS GOING TO SIT THROUGH A CONCERT, DAMN IT! I figured he could sit through as much as he could tolerate and if he got to be a handful we could just leave. Trung held him again and kept trying to hold him down so N. wouldn't reach for me. Remembering last time I gave Trung a dirty look and reached for N. NATHANIEL WAS AN ANGEL!!! The only less than perfect thing he did was switch back and forth between Mommy and Daddy's laps and he wasn't at all disruptive. He watched the choir on stage and listened. He laughed when we laughed at a funny song. I rocked him and tapped the rythms on his body.

At intermission we took him outside to change his diaper. There are fountains all over the campus and N. LOVES fountains (water of any sort, actually). He ran all around the fountain, up and down stairs, we chased each other, and then it was time to go in again. We each held a baby hand and he trotted between us back into the concert hall. He was a litlte hyped up after running around and then being told to sit still, but I broke out the snacks and he settled back on Trung's lap as if he was watching TV (which, by the way, he doesn't do. He rarely sits still long enough to pay attention to something that isn't moving, making a lot of noise, or otherwise attracting his attention). He was extremely well-behaved. He started to talk one time, but I smothered giggles at his obvious attempt at conversation about what was happening, and put my finger over my lips. He smiled and sat back on Trung's lap. He clapped when the audience clapped and stopped when the audience stopped. I looked over at him just bursting with pleased-ness (and relief) over his excellent behavior as I clapped. He looked over and saw me smiling at him and smiled in delight back at me. So we were sitting there clapping, looking at each other, and smiling at each other. HE'S SO CUTE! 

OK, so he was better behaved and quieter than all the other children and babies in the audience, but he is still a small child. He started getting squirmy in the last 15 minutes. I would have waited it out to see how far he'd go, but at the first sign of squirm, Trung whisked him out the door to wait out the concert in the lobby. He missed 15 mins. of a 2 hour concert. Not bad for a 21 month old. 

Trung was utterly surprised at how well-behaved he was. I was relieved. My experiment, so to speak, was a resounding success. I don't know what N. thought of the music, but I know he was watching us and he was enjoying our company. So, by extension, he was enjoying the music. And that's what counts.

Scorpions. Something about the way they look and hold that creepy tail is really scary. I've been afraid of them for as long as I can remember even though I never saw one. When I finally did see a real one (the only time in my life), I freaked out.

Aieeeee! Nathaniel is soooooooooooo cute!! I was just looking through my pics on myspace. He was sitting on my lap shoving a pen under the laptop and pulling it out again. Over and over.

When he looked up he saw the pictures. He was so happy! He smiled and pointed to his baby pictures and said, "Baby. Baby." When he saw me in pics he pointed at the screen and proclaimed happily, "Mommy!" He pointed to Trung's pics and said, "Daddy!" It's so cute!

I can't explain why, but it's an amazing feeling. Here I am, no one special. It's just me with no makeup, stupid glasses, hair that needs to be chopped off...I'm not particularly good-looking and don't stand out in any way. But Nathaniel recognizes me ^-^ I'm someone's Mommy!! And he loves me!! I'm important and special to him. *happy sigh*