When I started this account I was planning on writing about various maunderings of my mind without having to anchor them to daily life or explain the background. That hasn't happened so far and is not going to happen now. I hadn't planned on writing about Nathaniel so much, but here he is again.

I love music, but when it comes to participating I feel a bit like a musical cripple. I can't read music. I can't play a single instrument. I can only sing. And I'm not great at that either. But who cares? I LOVE MUSIC. Nobody said you have to be Mozart to enjoy music. If somebody did say that, I would tell that somebody to go to hell. When I was in community college I took a voice class and auditioned for choir. I ended up in concert choir and a small chamber ensemble. My course of study was science, but music is what kept me sane and fed my soul. Those are some of the best memories of my life. I learned to read music somewhat (or become familiar with the marks). I worked extra hard at it because I wasn't a music major. I couldn't look at the music and sing it, like everyone else. I had to hear it played first. I had to hear my part sung. I could memorize it in about 3 listenings. Like I said, I wasn't a great singer. My "gift" in singing was that my voice made all the other diva singer's voices blend together instead of stick out like sharp shards of dissonance. My voice alone is not outstanding. But that was something and I participated in music in this small way. 

I graduated from that college and went on to university. I tried to do choir for one semester, but that university has a music conservatory where students have to audition to be accepted into the music program. It's a rigorous program. That being said, I got in that university for science, another popular major there. Once I was in, I signed up for choir. I think I got in based on the reputation of my choir instructor. Also, there was one person in that class with whom I'd sung with previously. Anyway, I stopped that after one semester. Singing lost its joy for me there. The students were all music majors and were very snobby and elitest about their abilities (and my lack). They were on a professinal track in music and I couldn't even read music! They could read music like they were reading a book! 

Some years after I graduated from university I joined a church choir. I didn't go to church, but I ran into a girl I knew in choir and she said they were desperate for singers. That was a lovely experience, but also frustrating. If I don't hear my part sung a few times, I have trouble memorizing it. I was having trouble following some of the sheet music after so many intervening years. Also, to my amazement, I wasn't a first soprano anymore. I was really having trouble hitting some of the high notes. (Mozart -- enough said!) I should have asked to be "demoted" to second soprano, but they were in a hurry to learn the music in time for the presentation of it at Easter. They kept telling me to have more confidence and to sing out. But I don't think it's a lack of confidence. I've always had a quiet voice and I just can't sing loud enough to fill a room much less reach the back of an auditorium. Maybe I lack proper breath control. (When I was in college I dared a friend to audition for a play. He double dared me saying he'd only do it if I did. I took him up on it. He worked for the theater department and so we were given access to the theater stage. That's when I found out my voice doesn't reach beyond the first few rows of the audience. I practiced and practiced, even through Christmas break. I practiced "All I Ask of You" from Phantom of the Opera until I felt like my house would shake down from how loud my voice was. I think even the neighbors across the street could hear me even though I'd go hide in the almond orchard behind the farm and practice. Anyway, that was two years of vocal training up to that point and then WEEKS of practice on ONE song. We swept away the audition together. My choir teacher was a judge and he said to me, "I didn't  know you had that in you." I replied, "Neither did I." Other than that one time in my life, I have never been able to sing out.)

One of the church choir people told me that he was in the Stockton Chorale and that I should audition as well. I never did. The best singers in the city audition for that choir. Who am I? I can't even read music. I couldn't keep up at university. I could barely keep up in a church choir. So I quit participating in music. 

However, I can't stay away from music :-) I go to the choir concerts held by my college and university. I couldn't afford it before I had a job, but now I will start going to the symphony concerts as well. I sing to Nathaniel all the time. I made a song for Nathaniel -- just for the two of us. Of course, I only know it in my head. I can't write it out into sheet music. I listen to the radio and always sing along. Nathaniel sings, too! Trung's mother plays Buddhist chanting tapes 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Nathaniel sings along with the  chanting tapes as she does her thing in front of the family altar every morning. He likes to beat on drums and his xylophone. He's especially fascinated with noise -- drums. He turns everything he sees into drumsticks and beats things around the house to hear the different noises they make. I've always sung to him. When we listen to music, even when he was newborn, I tap the rythm of the music on his body. He likes to dance, which is adorable to see. I can't dance. Trung says he can't dance. I've never seen him try. So, N. has no example to copy for dancing. He does his own little freestyle wiggle :-) I dance around with him, looking like a total fool because I can't dance. But N. doesn't care and we have fun. When he was a little baby and even now that he's almost 2 years old, I hold him and dance around to music. I jog in place and swoop him around and glide side to side...I used to do deep knee bends with him until he became so heavy I couldn't do that, hold him, and manage to stand up again! He LOVES it. He calls out with laughter and squeals. Oh, and he sings with me!! It cracks me up!! I remember one day in particular where he wanted a stroller walk. I started singing to him as I changed his diaper before our walk. I always make up random tunes...whatever comes skirling out of my head comes out of my mouth. He started echoing what I sung. I'd sing, "La da da!" He'd sing the same note on the last "da." He'd copy the last note of each phrase I sung. I loaded him into the stroller and packed him down in blankets because it was cold and getting dark and wheeled him outside. I walked him back and forth and up and down for the longest time just singing, singing, singing. He kept on singing with me. It was sooooooooo cute. 

I want to enroll him in some baby music classes. They are not for teaching music, but just for exposing baby to music and helping them to have fun and have a positive experience associated with music. They also get to socialize with other children. He's an only child surrounded by adults. However, I am having a hard time with that. All the classes I've found occur during the day. I work during the day. (Same problem for swimming classes. I'm going to have to get up hella early to be at work by 6 AM, take a very long lunch to bring him to his swimming class, assuming I can get him in since they are in such high demand, and go back to work and work late to fit it in.)

ANYWAY. I wasn't going to write all this. I was going to write a short excerpt (ha!) about taking him to a choir concert!! On May 7my college was having their Festival of Choirs concert. They give one in the Spring and one for Christmas. I wanted to bring Nathaniel so he can learn to appreciate music. Trung was against it and said what the hell was I thinking expecting a baby to sit quietly for 2 hours. I admitted that I was nervous about it, too, but I want him to love music and if I wait so long that he can behave perfectly in public he'll be an adult and I will have missed my opportunity!! Besides, when I had piano lessons (one semester) in college the only thing I remember my teacher saying was to bring children to concerts to help them learn to love music. People might argue that children only fall asleep and miss it anyway, but her answer was, "What a lovely way to drift into sleep." I never forgot that. So I loaded up his baby bag with a change of clothes, snacks, and toys. I was nervous, but I was determined. 

The first time I tried to bring him to a choir concert it was for Christmas and he ws 5 months old. The noise of the audience scared him a little bit. Trung held him and wouldn't let me hold him. He startled at the applause and looked at me with a stricken look. I made a big deal of smiling, laughing, letting him see me clap with the audience, acted super happy, and I took his little hands and helped him clap, too. Smiles flitted across his face and he settled down with no more fright. If Mommy was so happy, it had to be SOMETHING good. He got so comfortable that he started to babble a little bit. And let me tell you, he was GENTLY cooing. He wasn't yelling, he wasn't screaming. He wasn't at all disruptive. The music drowned him out and there were other kids and babies you could hear all over and throughout the church. But Trung freaked out like the kid was making a scene because he was afraid the kid would get louder and whisked him away outside. I was SOOOOOOOOOO disappointed. He barely heard a song or two. I didn't get to hold him, rock him to the music, tap the rythms on his body, or even sing to him (as they were encouraging audience participation on old traditional favourites). I wouldn't leave and let Trung stand outside in the cold for the rest of the concert. I was enraptured by a harp solo, but after it was over I was sad because N. missed something so lovely and so rare. 

SO THIS TIME HE WAS GOING TO SIT THROUGH A CONCERT, DAMN IT! I figured he could sit through as much as he could tolerate and if he got to be a handful we could just leave. Trung held him again and kept trying to hold him down so N. wouldn't reach for me. Remembering last time I gave Trung a dirty look and reached for N. NATHANIEL WAS AN ANGEL!!! The only less than perfect thing he did was switch back and forth between Mommy and Daddy's laps and he wasn't at all disruptive. He watched the choir on stage and listened. He laughed when we laughed at a funny song. I rocked him and tapped the rythms on his body.

At intermission we took him outside to change his diaper. There are fountains all over the campus and N. LOVES fountains (water of any sort, actually). He ran all around the fountain, up and down stairs, we chased each other, and then it was time to go in again. We each held a baby hand and he trotted between us back into the concert hall. He was a litlte hyped up after running around and then being told to sit still, but I broke out the snacks and he settled back on Trung's lap as if he was watching TV (which, by the way, he doesn't do. He rarely sits still long enough to pay attention to something that isn't moving, making a lot of noise, or otherwise attracting his attention). He was extremely well-behaved. He started to talk one time, but I smothered giggles at his obvious attempt at conversation about what was happening, and put my finger over my lips. He smiled and sat back on Trung's lap. He clapped when the audience clapped and stopped when the audience stopped. I looked over at him just bursting with pleased-ness (and relief) over his excellent behavior as I clapped. He looked over and saw me smiling at him and smiled in delight back at me. So we were sitting there clapping, looking at each other, and smiling at each other. HE'S SO CUTE! 

OK, so he was better behaved and quieter than all the other children and babies in the audience, but he is still a small child. He started getting squirmy in the last 15 minutes. I would have waited it out to see how far he'd go, but at the first sign of squirm, Trung whisked him out the door to wait out the concert in the lobby. He missed 15 mins. of a 2 hour concert. Not bad for a 21 month old. 

Trung was utterly surprised at how well-behaved he was. I was relieved. My experiment, so to speak, was a resounding success. I don't know what N. thought of the music, but I know he was watching us and he was enjoying our company. So, by extension, he was enjoying the music. And that's what counts.